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HERNANDO AND CITRUS COUNTY

Aug. 4

Knowing his driver’s license had been cancelled, suspended or revoked six times since 2004, this chucklehead got into his car and drove yet again. Duh! He was caught when law enforcement pulled him over for an inoperable brake light. You would think that someone with this many driving convictions would have had the brains to make sure the car was in tip top shape before he set off. His IQ seems to match the number of convictions he’s had…

Aug. 9

Over at Walmart, two female bakery workers got into a heated altercation that ended up with one of them throwing a bladed bakery tool (like a box cutter) used for cutting bread called a “scorn” at the other. It seems the woman who pitched the scorn was burned up because the other woman had wrapped a loaf of bread on a table she didn’t think should have been used for that job. The pitched projectile struck the table in question then deflected off the wall without hitting the intended target. The woman who threw the scorn claimed she aimed the cutter on the table in front of her, not at the victim, but witnesses said her statement was half-baked, and law enforcement agreed.

Aug. 10

A man went to a local department store and started picking up items, cutting off their security tags and removing shoes from their packaging. He then hid the goods in his shopping cart (there was no explanation as to how one can hide stuff in an open cart). He then received a cell phone call that sent him running for the exit without paying. When approached by law enforcement, the man tried to run away but was caught. During a search, law enforcement found a list of the items that coincided exactly with the items he took from the store. The items were valued at $647.63! The man refused to speak with law enforcement when questioned, but stupidly fed them unsolicited information, including a run down the phone call he had received from a friend letting him know that law enforcement was present. What a twit!!

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Another nimrod drove his car off the road, struck multiple reflectors and continued to drive between the mailboxes and sidewalk until he crashed into two power poles that caused his front tire to fall apart before coming to a stop in the middle of the road. This 42-year-old bottom feeder immediately called his mommy and daddy to come pick him up, and they did just that, leaving the wrecked car in the road.  None of them bothered to report the accident. Fortunately, a concerned resident took the initiative and called law enforcement. It is not known whether the man was drunk, on drugs or just plain stupid, but we’re guessing it’s the latter.

Aug. 12

Meanwhile, over at Walmart, a sticky-fingered woman was on the prowl in the kitchen section. She decided on a 14-piece T-Fal pots and pans set valued at $79. She then went to the customer service counter and asked if the set came in a different color. Apparently, it didn’t, so she attempted to leave the store without paying. Hmmm… pilferers are getting pickier these days…

Aug. 15

A man was awakened by his pest control man “messing with his prescription medicine (morphine) on his night stand,” and it really bugged him. When confronted, the pill poaching pest predator didn’t protest. After picking a napkin from his pants pocket that held 14 of his customer’s pills without protest, he waited patiently for law enforcement to pop in. The pest control guy admitted pilfering the prescription pain pills, but did not say whether he sprayed before he strayed. The loss of those prescription pills would have caused the poor owner a prodigious pain in the posterior, as well as plenty of other places.

Aug. 24

A woman went shoplifting at a local department store. The asset protection woman immediately recognized her as a suspect in previous retail thefts at the same store. The female thief selected $233.99 in clothing and hid the items in her purse before attempting to leave without paying. When questioned by law enforcement, she said she was “low on money and going through tough financial times.” She is probably “low on common sense” also.

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A woman called law enforcement and reported that her two teenaged sons had taken her car keys off the kitchen counter while she was sleeping, and one of them drove her car without her permission. She added that he didn’t have a driver’s license. It seems the brothers drove to a convenience store and bought pizza. When law enforcement caught up with them, they were asked why they stole the car. The boy who drove said he knew it was wrong, “but due to him being hungry, he drove the car anyway.” In the future, the boys’ mother needs to keep some snacks on hand when she plans to nap. And the 16-year-old boy, who now has a grand theft charge on his record, should walk to a store next time his stomach growls a few times.

Aug. 27

At about 1 a.m., a man entered the back yard of a house and began to knock on the doors and windows. When the owners awoke, the man tried unsuccessfully to physically fight them. The miscreant then continued walking down the street screaming and yelling obscenities at each house, but was finally contained when law enforcement arrived. The report offered no explanation for the man’s behavior. Guess he was just a jerk.

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Neighbors reported there was a man sleeping in the driveway of a nearby house who didn’t live there. When law enforcement came, they woke and questioned him. The man claimed he was staying at the house across the street with a female named Chris and came here to see a man named Chris. He later changed his story and said he had just left a male friend named Chris to visit another male friend named Chris and fell asleep on the driveway. The man was unable to provide last names for any of the Chrises he referred to. The man was carrying a backpack and, visible from outside the bag, was a realistic-looking black pellet gun. The bag also contained weed and a syringe that tested for meth. During a search of his person, yet another syringe was found.  Contact was made with the homeowner where the man slept in the drive. The male owner said the sleeping sap had banged on his door at 3 a.m. and asked him to come outside. He refused. The owner’s name was not Chris. We doubt this sleeping sack of doody knew anyone named Chris. He needs to cross Chris off his list of fake alibis.

 

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