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HERNANDO AND CITRUS COUNTY

Oct. 1 A deputy was dispatched to a trailer park where a man had called 911 stating that he was being shot and stabbed. When he arrived, the man refused to come out and said he actually was fine and “just wanted to get out of here.” He got his wish. He was arrested for making a false alarm. We’re betting the jail was not his choice destination. Oct. 3 Some bottom feeder went into a local convenience store, picked up a four-pack of beer from the cooler and walked into the bathroom. When he came out, he was carrying the beer in a clear plastic bag, which showed how smart he was. He walked straight out the store, but was dumb enough to return to the same store later that day. The clerk remembered him and called the Sheriff’s Office. When a deputy arrived, the man admitted stealing the beer and said he came back “to get something to eat.” May we suggest crow? After returning from grocery shopping, a couple got into an argument and the woman got angry and broke a jar of salsa with her shoe. Her boyfriend fled to the safety of the garage and sat on a couch, but the girlfriend came after him with a phone charger cord, wrapped it around his neck and yanked him around. He got free, pushed her away and called for help. When law enforcement arrived and asked the woman why she attacked her boyfriend, she said “she was just giving him a taste of his own medicine.” The deputy hauled her off to jail to give her a taste of her own medicine. Oct. 5 A woman went to a local grocery store and picked up some men’s deodorant, women’s deodorant and hair dye, placed them in her purse and tried to leave without paying. Alas, she was nabbed and arrested, which begs the question of why she chose these particular items to swipe. Guess she and her boyfriend wanted to make a pit stop before dyeing. Oct. 7 Law enforcement was summoned to a fast food restaurant where some nitwit was trying to force open the take-out window. The deputy, fearing this jerk might be able to free up the window, get inside and hurt an employee, so he took him to the ground and placed him in custody. The man said, “I was trying to get my food, but they wouldn’t let me open the window.” When the deputy interviewed the manager, she said the man was an ex-employee she had trespassed from the property, and he appeared to be drunk. Before the deputy could question the man, he spontaneously said, “So what! I’ve had a few drinks at Delirium.” When he appears in court, it would be unwise of him to say that to the judge… Oct. 10 Meanwhile, over at Walmart, a conniving female cashier was arrested for stealing cash out of her register five times between Sept. 27 and Oct. 10 for a total of $180. We’re guessing she didn’t see the surveillance camera hanging directly overhead. Guess she was taking a five finger discount. __________ A man wandered into EZ Discount Liquor obviously thinking it would be EZ to steal some liquor from it. He selected a $10.99 bottle of Bench Mark Bourbon Whiskey, hid it on himself and stopped to pay for another item without revealing the hidden fifth. When security viewed their surveillance tape, they realized the same bozo had been in the store the day before and had swiped an $8.50 bottle of McCormick Vodka. He was arrested and charged with both thefts. His spirits were not high. Oct. 15 While patrolling near a convenience store, a deputy spotted a man standing in front of that store after he had been trespassed. The deputy caught up with him and asked what he was doing there after being trespassed. The man said he had been in the same store and bought beer earlier in the day, so he didn’t think it would be a problem if he went back the next day. This logic landed him in a jail cell. __________ Some pinhead stole a garden cart containing eight flowers, and a hose and reel outside the garden area of Lowe’s and pushed the cart behind the nearby Goodwill Store. He planned to come back during daylight and bring the booty to landscape his transient camp. The next night after closing, he returned to Lowe’s, broke into one of their trucks, removed a large steel chain, camo ratchet straps, a bungee cord, electrical cord, two tire stops and a partridge in a pear tree. He put them into a large rolling garbage can he brought along and hid them in the woods until he could take them back to his camp also. However, he was on camera, identified and caught. So much for his transient camp make-over… __________ A cab driver picked up a man from a hospital emergency room in St. Petersburgh and drove him to a home in Brooksville racking up a tab of $262.50. The man refused to pay and went into his house. The cab driver called the Sheriff’s Office and asked for help. When they arrived at the man’s house, he tried to tell them they had the wrong person. But the cab driver identified him as the person who had taken him for a ride. Oct. 22 A couple went into a local department store and split up to shop—or, in the man’s case, SHOPLIFT. He went into the men’s shoe department and tried on a pair of shoes. He liked them so well, he put his shoes in a box and went to the front of the store to meet his girlfriend. He was then seen returning to the shoe department where he took off the shoes and put his back on. Then he went back to the shoe department for a third time and put the store shoes back on, leaving his behind and tried to leave the store without paying. When questioned by security, he said his girlfriend had told him she would buy him shoes. But when the girlfriend was questioned, she said she never told him that. Busted! This idiot was not going to walk away from this crime. __________ A man fell asleep while watching a movie with his girlfriend. His girlfriend woke him up and wanted sex. He ran into the bedroom and stood behind the door. But she kicked it causing the door to hit him in the forehead and caused him to fall on the floor. Somehow, he was able to call 911. The girlfriend then became violent and attacked him and tore his shirt as he ran for the door to see if it was law enforcement. It was. The girlfriend was arrested. We’re guessing she may not be his girlfriend for much longer… Oct. 27 Meanwhile, over at Walmart, a woman who was stopped by law enforcement as she was leaving the store immediately said, “I put it all back. I had clothes in my purse that I was going to take, but I put them back.” She then extended the purse so security could have a look. Lo and behold, there was a pink tank top valued at $1.79 still in her purse. After it was removed, she dared the deputy to continue searching her purse. There were no more stolen store items. However, the deputy did find illegal drugs and paraphernalia and hauled her to jail. We’d write more but we have to run over to Walmart and get some of those outrageously cheap $1.79 tank tops before they’re all gone!!

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